anger. sad. smile.

i don't know why, but i'm sad, angry and happy at the same time. weird? i'm confuse myself.

a lot happened in the last one week. my uncle passed away. the fight. the pain. the hatred.

and yet i smile when i think of the two little girls. they make me smile. how one of them hates being called agong. and the other keeps correcting me when i purposely calls her 'tamin' ... how they make you forget your anger just by smiling. indeed, they are the apples of our eyes. their voices are music to my ears, even when they are shouting. their cries. their laughter. their pronounciation. their mood swings.

Jasmine and Cheryl are such a bliss.

in short, no matter how angry or tired or sad one is, there will be one, may be millions, reason/s to make one forget those negative aura.

i found mine. it's just a matter of time when you find yours.

we love you Uncle

Feb 2, 1944 - Mar 11, 2011

As we join millions mourning for the misfortune that befell our fellow friends in Japan, my family also mourned for the lost of the most amazing person in our lives. He was the nicest, friendliest, sweetest, strongest man I've ever known, he is my late uncle Philemon J Anthony, who we fondly refer to as Uncle July. He was an awesome person.

My tears started rolling down when I heard the bad news on March 11, 2011. at 4pm from my Sister Emmy. It was unbelievable. It was just few week earlier I met him at the QEH ward, we joked, we laughed, talk politics, he was himself. Then few days later, we found out that he was battling with lung cancer. It happened so fast, losing him, I didn't even get to say goodbye ... for awhile I thought he was cruel for leaving us without a word, it was a painful goodbye indeed. And to see him lying in a wooden coffin, welcoming us, in his house in Binaong, for the last time, I just burst into tears.

I will miss his laughter, I will miss his smile, I will miss his voice, he was the best singer I've ever heard, I will miss his trademark "PENG-KA" as he gives a thumbs-up, addressing us as 'orang kampung', 'saudara', it didn't sound insulting at all ... i needed more time to know him better, I just needed more time to spend with him, I miss him a lot.

Although it was hard for us to let him go, I have a sense of relieve that he is no longer suffering. The Lord loves him more, He took his suffering away, both physically, mentally and emotionally ... Uncle Peng-ka is no longer suffering, he is resting in peace, hopefully.

There may be incidences before his final resting, and although we were all set to go all the way, fighting for his last wish, we soon realised that we should not stoop ourselves so low to their level. We love Uncle July so much to hurt him more. We let them win. We let them make that final decision for him, because we want the guilt to haunt them forever.

Uncle, I hope you will be placed with all the good people in heaven. You will be in our hearts, you will be remembered for as long as we live ...

when you know the joke's on you

Sometimes, being nice is not good enough.

You may be the best of friends, the person one can count on, the person who is ever-willing to drop everything for the sake of friendship, the one who do not mind to look silly for someone you care ... and yet, you'll be the one who will end up in tears, heartache and alone.

Life is not fair. It ain't fair at all. But you put up a disguise and say everything is okay when you can actually hear your heart breaking inside. Your brain wants you to share your feelings but the heart says 'NO!'. So you bite your tongue and say that you're "ok", shedding truth to the saying "some things are better left unsaid".

So, continue putting your head up high and take a deep breath. Try hard and hide the pain from your eyes, go fake a smile, in time, you'll be the master of all disguises. You know that you can now lie to the world.